🐔

restoring this… I gotta stop deleting things just because I don't like how I behaved… it's part of this journey, even if I'm not proud of it

I am so sorry, my love.

I tried. I tried. All evening, going back and forth between Messenger and Messages… Typing something… erasing it… typing something… erasing it… taking a sip… typing something… erasing it…

“I know it's a Wednesday, but… care for a beer?”

…sip…

“Are you guys into Big Bad Voodoo Daddy at all?” (this one WILL come into play soon…)

…sip…

“Can we talk?”

…sip…

“Are you doing anything right now?”

…sip…

“You up?” (funny thing… when you first friended me on FB, I turned off DnD and then dreamed of you messaging me these very words…)

…sip…

“Planning to dress up for the potluck, or are you saving it for Halloween?”

…sip…

All the while messing up my hair (lol, what little of it there is) and otherwise making myself less and less presentable…

sigh

I just…

So many reasons. So many things. So many factors. So much to worry about. So few hairs left to pull out of my head… This stupid, awful, horrible situation, man. With the words that have been said between us in the past couple of months… if we were free…

I do know how to go out and get what I want. Wouldn't be the first time if I did. Even though the stakes have never been so high. I've never wanted anyone anywhere near as much as I want you. But, I could. I have it in me. Just… you know. It's complicated.

Ugh, but I know you would have welcomed a text from me. I mean… right? I would. I would welcome one from you. Anytime. The later, the better. If you texted me at 3am… about literally anything at all… my heart might just stop right then and there from the excitement… assuming my stupid phone bothered to notify me about it… but that's another story…

I'm sorry, ⭐️. I'm so sorry. I don't have these nights often, I don't even know when the next one will be. Months from now. I should have at least tried to reach out. Even if it didn't amount to anything more than letting you know I'm thinking of you.

sigh

Well. With any luck, I'll see you tomorrow night. Not alone, I'm sure, but… at least there will be one person I won't have to worry about showing too much in front of. Just… you know… everybody else.

I love you. And I'm sorry I suck.

Yours,
♒️